Thursday, May 9, 2013

Ode to the Commode

Does anyone else besides me have weird public bathroom experiences?  I seem to have something happen to me at least once a year in a public bathroom.  Now, I'm not talking about someone walking in on you while in a stall (although every time it reminds me of a comedian who, when walking in on a lady, says "Sorry!"  and the lady replies "Oh, it's ok!"  then the comedian opens the door wide and says "We can all come in guys!  She said it's ok!")  I'm not even talking about the more-than-occasional child that looks under my stall, crawls into my stall, or looks at a room full of people and comes to me to ask to reach the sink or hold their door.  I'm not even referring to that toilet that flushed repeatedly while you sit and gets your butt all wet, but won't flush after you stand.  No, I'm referring to things like this:

Atlanta - Trip to the bathroom that requires sitting - for a while, if ya know what I mean.  Was it necessary for the bathroom attendant to severely spray the stall next to me, then go to the stall on the other side and spray like her life depended on it?  I mean, I know what was going on in my stall - I can't change it!  I'm sitting here committed!  Now I have to hope she leaves (she didn't) so I can do the walk of shame to the sink, just cause I have (I hope) normal bodily functions.  No eye contact, just a quick wash and run, wondering why I can't just crap at home.

Tucson -  I'm sitting in a stall and use the tampon disposal container in the wall.  It falls out of the wall AND everything in it lands at the feet of the lady sitting in the next stall.  I lean forward quickly to apologize, and have now made eye contact with her sitting on her commode.  Sorry doesn't quite cover this situation.  There is no graceful recovery for scaring someone twice in 5 seconds.

Tucson again (same bathroom a year later) - I walk out the stall and a man walks out of the stall next to me.  I look at him, he looks at me, and we make our way to the sinks, in silence, to wash our hands. We walk out of the bathroom, and both of us look up at the wall for the name sign.  As I entered I saw a telephone booth and women sign.  From his direction, a telephone sign covering half of the women sign. The important part - Wo.

Buffalo - I'm in a stall (yes, I seem to do this a lot) and the handicap stall is next to me.  I see a wheelchair come up to the handicap stall and the driver (rider, passenger???) begins slamming the chair repeatedly into the door frame, perilously threatening the locking mechanism on my own stall while the entire system shudders.  Finally she loudly complains about not fitting and just forget about it, then a LARGE LARGE puddle of urine runs from that stall into my stall.  There is no place for me stand up and NOT step in urine. Even if I could acrobatically leap from the commode out of the stall, I still have to stand up and pull up my pants.  Got me a new pair of shoes that day.

Scottsdale - My son who  hates public bathrooms had to go terribly bad, but didn't want to use the public restroom.  In this case it was two trailers that were portable restrooms, so not too bad by the way of public toilets.  I finally convince him to go in.  After a while he comes out freaking out because there is no soap in any of the dispensers  (and not another man noticed this hmmmmmm) so he enters the second trailer.  Minutes later I see him coming out with his hands cupped holding soap.  This trailer had no water....  I lost my public restroom fight with him from that day forward.

Marietta - I am in a stall (I feel like saying and there I was...) and a little child who knows me looks under my stall, then crawls in, followed by three friends.  They won't leave and they are 3, so I can't exactly yell.  Or reach the latch and stay seated.  They offer to help me with toilet paper, wiping, opening the door.....  Another reason to hold it until I get home.

Houston - I entered a stall and noticed water all of the wall. I thought hmmmm, and before I sat down, decided to flush the toilet.  I watched the water violently go down the toilet, then like surfer waves at the beach, arch and come up so hard and fast it covered me and the wall.  Soooooo glad I didn't sit.

Buffalo - My friend was gone to the bathroom for a long, long time.  She finally returns and was trapped in the stall by a door that wouldn't open.  Someone finally had to kick the door in to get her out!  Three more people that I am aware of got trapped in that same stall over the next few days.

It is a strange thing for which I cannot account.  Maybe I go the to the bathroom too much!  Maybe I am a magnet for weird bathroom encounters.  All I know is, if I can, I hold it until I get home.