Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Things I can't unsee...

The 2013 Fair season happened and again, and let me say "Ow, my eyes!"  Here is a sampling of things I will never to able to unsee again:

  • 300 pound-ish woman, wearing a bikini top, naval piercing, and booty shorts.  To the rodeo.
  • Half a butt hanging from a pair of shorts, and my daughter leaning to me and whispering "Excuse me ma'am - you lost your cheeks"
  • Tattoo on the arm of woman with Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman - why????
  • If your tank top not only doesn't cover your bra straps, but is also not covering a significant portion of your bra cups, perhaps you might want to consider a bigger tank.  Or go bra-less.
  • Tattoo of cute little bunnies.  Frolicking little bunnies.  In a cemetery littered with skulls...
  • So, you don't have cancer but you shaved patches into your head on purpose?  Okayyyyyy
  • Belt made from - bungee cord?
  • That's one fancy cupcake tattoo on your leg there ma'am.  And the tendrils coming out from the bottom complete my lack of comprehension.
  • Aw!  You have little paw prints on your boobs!  As if your little chihuahua walked through tattoo ink!  Precious....
  • A grandma in tie-dye bootie shorts with half the bootie escaping.
  •  Just when I considered going to the fair bra-less in a wife beater, hundreds beat me to it.
  • Piercings that look like snot
  • T-shirt on a woman proclaiming BIG BOOBED AND TATTOOED
  • A grown man in Green Lantern underwear (don't ask how I know)
  • Pants so tight I could tell that she was wearing a thong - ewwwww
  • Remember Pamela Anderson from Baywatch?  The tight bootie shorts with rolled down waist and bikini top? Well, imagine those triple DDD's heavily tanned with mid-lip, navel and other various piercings, undetermined age of 34-49 with her 75+ year old boyfriend showing off the white bear skin rug they just purchased to "make love in front of the fireplace".   I can't close my eyes...
  • Why am I wasting my time on cell phone carriers and wallets when I can just use my bra???
  • Not one, but two (TWO!!!) different men peeing behind my tent... Police response - video them so we can apprehend and have proof...
  • Two pierced Smurfs!  Wait, they are teenagers who look like Smurfs.  Must be the hair color
  • Heavy girls should NOT rock the navel piercings - especially when the stone gets swallowed up in the cavernous belly button...
  • Choices, choices - and she chose a Tiffany bracelet over - wait for it - teeth!
  • Loving that full alien tattoo on your arm ma'am.  Your bound to find a man at the next SciFi convention
  • Saw a 60+ year old man working his sexy -- shirt unbuttoned to his pot belly to show off his tats, his waxed chest, his nipple ring...
  • Question asked (about my jewelry cleaner) Does this clean tattoos?  Answer:  No, that would be a painful process involving lasers and your tears
  • Just saw Bo Derek!  Had to be - she still has the corn rows, and based on that leathery skin, she still runs on the beach.  And, she's picked up a few tattoos over the years too....
  • Can't even properly describe the lady that was in front of me - long filthy blond dreads, tats, biker boots, black spandex everything EXCEPT the Wizard of Oz striped socks.  Then she turned and I saw the tattoo ACROSS HER ENTIRE FACE resembling stitching like Nightmare before Christmas.  It took a while before I noticed the wrench on a chain around her neck....
  • Wife:  Can you fix my ring?  It got tarnished in a hot tub.  Husband:  When were you in a hot tub? *****silence***** Husband:  Seriously - when were you in a hot tub?  Cause I ain't been in no hot tub.... AWKWARD
  • Drunken group dancing the YMCA?  Let me get right up from my chair and get my letters and dancing on, said no sober person ever
  • Just saw a shopping cart in the fair- the kind that says KOHLS - the kind that are stole not sold
  • Ever see an 18x30 tramp stamp.....
  • Take your tongue - run it up the front of your teeth.  Did you hit the skin that hangs under your nose inside your mouth?  I saw a piercing RIGHT THERE
  • Saw a guy walking holding his woman's crotch.  Not her hand, not her arm....
  • Had a woman floss her teeth - top, bottom, and back - while I cleaned her ring.  NOT a buyer
  • Heard someone ask the guy who sells electronic cigarettes if he has crack pipes...
  • A dress with an open cut back is NOT sexy if it is just a window to your fat rolls
  • Skin tight Abercrombie tee and ripped jeans do not make 60 look 20 - ever
  • front butt - when your fat wraps around the scooter steering wheel rod and touches in the front
  • This:

    All. Day. Long.

    To be continued at the 2014 Fair Season....

    Saturday, November 30, 2013

    Ode to to Commode - Number Two

    Another round of horrible / weird / unusual things that happen to me in bathrooms.  Such as this:

     What is that gaping white above the toilet paper, you ask?  At eye level to you, er, sitting?  Well let me show you:

    Yes, that is a PERSON.  Sitting down and trying fervently to not make eye contact.  Which is why she didn't know I took her photo.  Cause, this happened.  And it happens a lot.

    See what I mean?  I not only watched several people dry their hands, I made eye contact with two who were checking if the stall was occupied.

    These things also happened recently:
    • Houston, TX Saltgrass - went into bathroom, grabbed first empty stall, sat, then while doing my business, looked up.  Now there is always a gap between the door and wall.  But FOUR INCHES???  I wondered, "Can people see in as well as I can see out?"  Then I got waved at by a child.  The answer to that question is YES. (not photo above; sadly, this was another occasion).
    • A young girl showed me her new panties while I was washing my hands.  I had to agree, that, yes, those are pretty butterflies, but oh, you shouldn't pull your dress over your head like that....
    • Bathrooms at the fair differ from most public events - like LARGE HUGE SUPER SCARY BUGS that are on the ceiling!  Heard the following while in a stall:  "What's that?!?!?!  "I don't know!  Kill it!  Kill it!"   Followed by screaming and the sound of pounding on bathroom walls, shaking the entire system in the process. I didn't get a photo, but I did sit and tremble in fear that some huge bug would land on me.  Fear makes it harder to pee, FYI.
    And there you have it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

    Thursday, May 9, 2013

    Ode to the Commode

    Does anyone else besides me have weird public bathroom experiences?  I seem to have something happen to me at least once a year in a public bathroom.  Now, I'm not talking about someone walking in on you while in a stall (although every time it reminds me of a comedian who, when walking in on a lady, says "Sorry!"  and the lady replies "Oh, it's ok!"  then the comedian opens the door wide and says "We can all come in guys!  She said it's ok!")  I'm not even talking about the more-than-occasional child that looks under my stall, crawls into my stall, or looks at a room full of people and comes to me to ask to reach the sink or hold their door.  I'm not even referring to that toilet that flushed repeatedly while you sit and gets your butt all wet, but won't flush after you stand.  No, I'm referring to things like this:

    Atlanta - Trip to the bathroom that requires sitting - for a while, if ya know what I mean.  Was it necessary for the bathroom attendant to severely spray the stall next to me, then go to the stall on the other side and spray like her life depended on it?  I mean, I know what was going on in my stall - I can't change it!  I'm sitting here committed!  Now I have to hope she leaves (she didn't) so I can do the walk of shame to the sink, just cause I have (I hope) normal bodily functions.  No eye contact, just a quick wash and run, wondering why I can't just crap at home.

    Tucson -  I'm sitting in a stall and use the tampon disposal container in the wall.  It falls out of the wall AND everything in it lands at the feet of the lady sitting in the next stall.  I lean forward quickly to apologize, and have now made eye contact with her sitting on her commode.  Sorry doesn't quite cover this situation.  There is no graceful recovery for scaring someone twice in 5 seconds.

    Tucson again (same bathroom a year later) - I walk out the stall and a man walks out of the stall next to me.  I look at him, he looks at me, and we make our way to the sinks, in silence, to wash our hands. We walk out of the bathroom, and both of us look up at the wall for the name sign.  As I entered I saw a telephone booth and women sign.  From his direction, a telephone sign covering half of the women sign. The important part - Wo.

    Buffalo - I'm in a stall (yes, I seem to do this a lot) and the handicap stall is next to me.  I see a wheelchair come up to the handicap stall and the driver (rider, passenger???) begins slamming the chair repeatedly into the door frame, perilously threatening the locking mechanism on my own stall while the entire system shudders.  Finally she loudly complains about not fitting and just forget about it, then a LARGE LARGE puddle of urine runs from that stall into my stall.  There is no place for me stand up and NOT step in urine. Even if I could acrobatically leap from the commode out of the stall, I still have to stand up and pull up my pants.  Got me a new pair of shoes that day.

    Scottsdale - My son who  hates public bathrooms had to go terribly bad, but didn't want to use the public restroom.  In this case it was two trailers that were portable restrooms, so not too bad by the way of public toilets.  I finally convince him to go in.  After a while he comes out freaking out because there is no soap in any of the dispensers  (and not another man noticed this hmmmmmm) so he enters the second trailer.  Minutes later I see him coming out with his hands cupped holding soap.  This trailer had no water....  I lost my public restroom fight with him from that day forward.

    Marietta - I am in a stall (I feel like saying and there I was...) and a little child who knows me looks under my stall, then crawls in, followed by three friends.  They won't leave and they are 3, so I can't exactly yell.  Or reach the latch and stay seated.  They offer to help me with toilet paper, wiping, opening the door.....  Another reason to hold it until I get home.

    Houston - I entered a stall and noticed water all of the wall. I thought hmmmm, and before I sat down, decided to flush the toilet.  I watched the water violently go down the toilet, then like surfer waves at the beach, arch and come up so hard and fast it covered me and the wall.  Soooooo glad I didn't sit.

    Buffalo - My friend was gone to the bathroom for a long, long time.  She finally returns and was trapped in the stall by a door that wouldn't open.  Someone finally had to kick the door in to get her out!  Three more people that I am aware of got trapped in that same stall over the next few days.

    It is a strange thing for which I cannot account.  Maybe I go the to the bathroom too much!  Maybe I am a magnet for weird bathroom encounters.  All I know is, if I can, I hold it until I get home.

    Sunday, March 31, 2013

    I'm just never gonna make it onto Pinterest...

    I have reached the tired, forgetful stage of parenting.  4/5 of my children are adults (19, 21, 23, and 25) which leads to my almost 17 year old reminding me of family traditions I need to continue until she is an adult too.  Like the Easter bunny / basket /egg hunt.  So a few weeks ago, I was in the Christmas Tree Shops and saw Lindt Easter Rabbits in a huge display, at a cost of $2.19 each.  I was like, "Crap - I need to get the kids Easter stuff".  Then suddenly, off to the bottom right I saw a clearance bin.  Full of chocolate rabbits.  For only $0.49!!!  Forty nine cents versus two dollars and nineteen cents = no contest.  In the back of my mind I thought - "Those must be last years' rabbits...well, who cares?  It's chocolate!"  So I load up.

    My kids throughout this Easter day remind me that is it Easter (in case I forgot while getting ready to go to church, having help run the 2000 egg, almost 200 kid Easter Egg Hunt the previous day, and preparing for my Sharing Time, Ward Choir song, and Primary Sacrament song).  They reminded me that I had given away all of the plastic eggs so we can't hunt them anymore.  They reminded me that I gave away all the Easter baskets to the Primary.  They reminded me that they want chocolate.  I firmly tell them the day isn't over so wait until after church.

    Part of my long day ends, and I rush home to finish preparing the Easter dinner, get my fabulous chocolate find ready and prepare to give it to them so I can leave and go to a baptism today.  I make a little production of how grateful they should be that I did remember and not just last night but weeks ago, and I got them chocolate bunnies!  I hand them them out, and then I hear, "LOOK!  THE EASTER REINDEER CAME!!!" as cell phones come out, pictures begin to be taken and my entire family is laughing hysterically.  I look closer.

    These are not bunnies.  These are leftover Christmas candy.  This is not a fabulous last years' chocolate leftovers find...this is three month old Christmas leftovers.  AND I have left the price tag on.  Lovely.  I have now been immortalized by my adult children on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  And that is why I am just NOT gonna ever make it onto Pinterest.

    Wednesday, February 27, 2013

    I really do live in the city, I think

    I thought I lived in the city, but I was wrong.  Today I took a two minute drive and in that time frame nearly hit two deer, then had to stop for six geese crossing the road.  Now, it's not like I haven't had wildlife encounters in my area before.  A few years ago there were three black bear sightings within a few miles (!) of my house and a pack of coyotes (I would say wild coyotes but I don't think there are any other kind) in the greenbelt, supported by the deluge of missing cats and small dog signs that appeared at the same time.  I also had the biggest bird I have ever seen in my life that was not in a zoo, fly over my car (blocking the entire window first) then land next to a car, and its' shoulders were level with the top of the bumper. But seriously, I am not Dr. Doolittle, and I would appreciate it if the wildlife stay in the wild so I can concentrate on watching for texting drivers and drunks.