Things I can't unsee...

The 2013 Fair season happened and again, and let me say "Ow, my eyes!"  Here is a sampling of things I will never to able to unsee again:

• 300 pound-ish woman, wearing a bikini top, naval piercing, and booty shorts.  To the rodeo.
• Half a butt hanging from a pair of shorts, and my daughter leaning to me and whispering "Excuse me ma'am - you lost your cheeks"
• Tattoo on the arm of woman with Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman - why????
• If your tank top not only doesn't cover your bra straps, but is also not covering a significant portion of your bra cups, perhaps you might want to consider a bigger tank.  Or go bra-less.
• Tattoo of cute little bunnies.  Frolicking little bunnies.  In a cemetery littered with skulls...
• So, you don't have cancer but you shaved patches into your head on purpose?  Okayyyyyy
• Belt made from - bungee cord?
• That's one fancy cupcake tattoo on your leg there ma'am.  And the tendrils coming out from the bottom complete my lack of comprehension.
• Aw!  You have little paw prints on your boobs!  As if your little chihuahua walked through tattoo ink!  Precious....
• A grandma in tie-dye bootie shorts with half the bootie escaping.
•  Just when I considered going to the fair bra-less in a wife beater, hundreds beat me to it.
• Piercings that look like snot
• T-shirt on a woman proclaiming BIG BOOBED AND TATTOOED
• A grown man in Green Lantern underwear (don't ask how I know)
• Pants so tight I could tell that she was wearing a thong - ewwwww
• Remember Pamela Anderson from Baywatch?  The tight bootie shorts with rolled down waist and bikini top? Well, imagine those triple DDD's heavily tanned with mid-lip, navel and other various piercings, undetermined age of 34-49 with her 75+ year old boyfriend showing off the white bear skin rug they just purchased to "make love in front of the fireplace".   I can't close my eyes...
• Why am I wasting my time on cell phone carriers and wallets when I can just use my bra???
• Not one, but two (TWO!!!) different men peeing behind my tent... Police response - video them so we can apprehend and have proof...
• Two pierced Smurfs!  Wait, they are teenagers who look like Smurfs.  Must be the hair color
• Heavy girls should NOT rock the navel piercings - especially when the stone gets swallowed up in the cavernous belly button...
• Choices, choices - and she chose a Tiffany bracelet over - wait for it - teeth!
• Loving that full alien tattoo on your arm ma'am.  Your bound to find a man at the next SciFi convention
• Saw a 60+ year old man working his sexy -- shirt unbuttoned to his pot belly to show off his tats, his waxed chest, his nipple ring...
• Question asked (about my jewelry cleaner) Does this clean tattoos?  Answer:  No, that would be a painful process involving lasers and your tears
• Just saw Bo Derek!  Had to be - she still has the corn rows, and based on that leathery skin, she still runs on the beach.  And, she's picked up a few tattoos over the years too....
• Can't even properly describe the lady that was in front of me - long filthy blond dreads, tats, biker boots, black spandex everything EXCEPT the Wizard of Oz striped socks.  Then she turned and I saw the tattoo ACROSS HER ENTIRE FACE resembling stitching like Nightmare before Christmas.  It took a while before I noticed the wrench on a chain around her neck....
• Wife:  Can you fix my ring?  It got tarnished in a hot tub.  Husband:  When were you in a hot tub? *****silence***** Husband:  Seriously - when were you in a hot tub?  Cause I ain't been in no hot tub.... AWKWARD
• Drunken group dancing the YMCA?  Let me get right up from my chair and get my letters and dancing on, said no sober person ever
• Just saw a shopping cart in the fair- the kind that says KOHLS - the kind that are stole not sold
• Ever see an 18x30 tramp stamp.....
• Take your tongue - run it up the front of your teeth.  Did you hit the skin that hangs under your nose inside your mouth?  I saw a piercing RIGHT THERE
• Saw a guy walking holding his woman's crotch.  Not her hand, not her arm....
• Had a woman floss her teeth - top, bottom, and back - while I cleaned her ring.  NOT a buyer
• Heard someone ask the guy who sells electronic cigarettes if he has crack pipes...
• A dress with an open cut back is NOT sexy if it is just a window to your fat rolls
• Skin tight Abercrombie tee and ripped jeans do not make 60 look 20 - ever
• front butt - when your fat wraps around the scooter steering wheel rod and touches in the front
• This:

All. Day. Long.

To be continued at the 2014 Fair Season....