Ode to to Commode - Number Two

Another round of horrible / weird / unusual things that happen to me in bathrooms.  Such as this:

 What is that gaping white above the toilet paper, you ask?  At eye level to you, er, sitting?  Well let me show you:

Yes, that is a PERSON.  Sitting down and trying fervently to not make eye contact.  Which is why she didn't know I took her photo.  Cause, this happened.  And it happens a lot.

See what I mean?  I not only watched several people dry their hands, I made eye contact with two who were checking if the stall was occupied.

These things also happened recently:

• Houston, TX Saltgrass - went into bathroom, grabbed first empty stall, sat, then while doing my business, looked up.  Now there is always a gap between the door and wall.  But FOUR INCHES???  I wondered, "Can people see in as well as I can see out?"  Then I got waved at by a child.  The answer to that question is YES. (not photo above; sadly, this was another occasion).
• A young girl showed me her new panties while I was washing my hands.  I had to agree, that, yes, those are pretty butterflies, but oh, you shouldn't pull your dress over your head like that....
• Bathrooms at the fair differ from most public events - like LARGE HUGE SUPER SCARY BUGS that are on the ceiling!  Heard the following while in a stall:  "What's that?!?!?!  "I don't know!  Kill it!  Kill it!"   Followed by screaming and the sound of pounding on bathroom walls, shaking the entire system in the process. I didn't get a photo, but I did sit and tremble in fear that some huge bug would land on me.  Fear makes it harder to pee, FYI.

And there you have it. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Ode to the Commode

Does anyone else besides me have weird public bathroom experiences?  I seem to have something happen to me at least once a year in a public bathroom.  Now, I'm not talking about someone walking in on you while in a stall (although every time it reminds me of a comedian who, when walking in on a lady, says "Sorry!"  and the lady replies "Oh, it's ok!"  then the comedian opens the door wide and says "We can all come in guys!  She said it's ok!")  I'm not even talking about the more-than-occasional child that looks under my stall, crawls into my stall, or looks at a room full of people and comes to me to ask to reach the sink or hold their door.  I'm not even referring to that toilet that flushed repeatedly while you sit and gets your butt all wet, but won't flush after you stand.  No, I'm referring to things like this:

Atlanta - Trip to the bathroom that requires sitting - for a while, if ya know what I mean.  Was it necessary for the bathroom attendant to severely spray the stall next to me, then go to the stall on the other side and spray like her life depended on it?  I mean, I know what was going on in my stall - I can't change it!  I'm sitting here committed!  Now I have to hope she leaves (she didn't) so I can do the walk of shame to the sink, just cause I have (I hope) normal bodily functions.  No eye contact, just a quick wash and run, wondering why I can't just crap at home.

Tucson -  I'm sitting in a stall and use the tampon disposal container in the wall.  It falls out of the wall AND everything in it lands at the feet of the lady sitting in the next stall.  I lean forward quickly to apologize, and have now made eye contact with her sitting on her commode.  Sorry doesn't quite cover this situation.  There is no graceful recovery for scaring someone twice in 5 seconds.

Tucson again (same bathroom a year later) - I walk out the stall and a man walks out of the stall next to me.  I look at him, he looks at me, and we make our way to the sinks, in silence, to wash our hands. We walk out of the bathroom, and both of us look up at the wall for the name sign.  As I entered I saw a telephone booth and women sign.  From his direction, a telephone sign covering half of the women sign. The important part - Wo.

Buffalo - I'm in a stall (yes, I seem to do this a lot) and the handicap stall is next to me.  I see a wheelchair come up to the handicap stall and the driver (rider, passenger???) begins slamming the chair repeatedly into the door frame, perilously threatening the locking mechanism on my own stall while the entire system shudders.  Finally she loudly complains about not fitting and just forget about it, then a LARGE LARGE puddle of urine runs from that stall into my stall.  There is no place for me stand up and NOT step in urine. Even if I could acrobatically leap from the commode out of the stall, I still have to stand up and pull up my pants.  Got me a new pair of shoes that day.

Scottsdale - My son who  hates public bathrooms had to go terribly bad, but didn't want to use the public restroom.  In this case it was two trailers that were portable restrooms, so not too bad by the way of public toilets.  I finally convince him to go in.  After a while he comes out freaking out because there is no soap in any of the dispensers  (and not another man noticed this hmmmmmm) so he enters the second trailer.  Minutes later I see him coming out with his hands cupped holding soap.  This trailer had no water....  I lost my public restroom fight with him from that day forward.

Marietta - I am in a stall (I feel like saying and there I was...) and a little child who knows me looks under my stall, then crawls in, followed by three friends.  They won't leave and they are 3, so I can't exactly yell.  Or reach the latch and stay seated.  They offer to help me with toilet paper, wiping, opening the door.....  Another reason to hold it until I get home.

Houston - I entered a stall and noticed water all of the wall. I thought hmmmm, and before I sat down, decided to flush the toilet.  I watched the water violently go down the toilet, then like surfer waves at the beach, arch and come up so hard and fast it covered me and the wall.  Soooooo glad I didn't sit.

Buffalo - My friend was gone to the bathroom for a long, long time.  She finally returns and was trapped in the stall by a door that wouldn't open.  Someone finally had to kick the door in to get her out!  Three more people that I am aware of got trapped in that same stall over the next few days.

It is a strange thing for which I cannot account.  Maybe I go the to the bathroom too much!  Maybe I am a magnet for weird bathroom encounters.  All I know is, if I can, I hold it until I get home.

I'm just never gonna make it onto Pinterest...

I have reached the tired, forgetful stage of parenting.  4/5 of my children are adults (19, 21, 23, and 25) which leads to my almost 17 year old reminding me of family traditions I need to continue until she is an adult too.  Like the Easter bunny / basket /egg hunt.  So a few weeks ago, I was in the Christmas Tree Shops and saw Lindt Easter Rabbits in a huge display, at a cost of $2.19 each.  I was like, "Crap - I need to get the kids Easter stuff".  Then suddenly, off to the bottom right I saw a clearance bin.  Full of chocolate rabbits.  For only $0.49!!!  Forty nine cents versus two dollars and nineteen cents = no contest.  In the back of my mind I thought - "Those must be last years' rabbits...well, who cares?  It's chocolate!"  So I load up.

My kids throughout this Easter day remind me that is it Easter (in case I forgot while getting ready to go to church, having help run the 2000 egg, almost 200 kid Easter Egg Hunt the previous day, and preparing for my Sharing Time, Ward Choir song, and Primary Sacrament song).  They reminded me that I had given away all of the plastic eggs so we can't hunt them anymore.  They reminded me that I gave away all the Easter baskets to the Primary.  They reminded me that they want chocolate.  I firmly tell them the day isn't over so wait until after church.

Part of my long day ends, and I rush home to finish preparing the Easter dinner, get my fabulous chocolate find ready and prepare to give it to them so I can leave and go to a baptism today.  I make a little production of how grateful they should be that I did remember and not just last night but weeks ago, and I got them chocolate bunnies!  I hand them them out, and then I hear, "LOOK!  THE EASTER REINDEER CAME!!!" as cell phones come out, pictures begin to be taken and my entire family is laughing hysterically.  I look closer.

These are not bunnies.  These are leftover Christmas candy.  This is not a fabulous last years' chocolate leftovers find...this is three month old Christmas leftovers.  AND I have left the price tag on.  Lovely.  I have now been immortalized by my adult children on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  And that is why I am just NOT gonna ever make it onto Pinterest.

I really do live in the city, I think

I thought I lived in the city, but I was wrong.  Today I took a two minute drive and in that time frame nearly hit two deer, then had to stop for six geese crossing the road.  Now, it's not like I haven't had wildlife encounters in my area before.  A few years ago there were three black bear sightings within a few miles (!) of my house and a pack of coyotes (I would say wild coyotes but I don't think there are any other kind) in the greenbelt, supported by the deluge of missing cats and small dog signs that appeared at the same time.  I also had the biggest bird I have ever seen in my life that was not in a zoo, fly over my car (blocking the entire window first) then land next to a car, and its' shoulders were level with the top of the bumper. But seriously, I am not Dr. Doolittle, and I would appreciate it if the wildlife stay in the wild so I can concentrate on watching for texting drivers and drunks. 

Fair-ly Strange Work Adventures

So, every year I represent our company at many, many events, of which in Fall means I am at multiple state fairs.  I have a love/hate relationship with fairs.  For most people, the idea of the fair is a day out with the family, riding the rides, eating cotton candy and caramel apples, and having a good time.  For me it is something else entirely.

The fair for me is where I am going to make my living, sure, but it has so many other things built into it.  I am going to spend my days and hotel nights with the same group of people for 10-21 days straight; longer if we do more than one fair in a row.  I need to like them, be able to put up with the idiosyncrasies (and them mine) for the whole time, and know that there is no escaping that until the end. I get to hear all about their health ailments, medications, diabetic blood sugar numbers, and the like.  I have learned to deal with that.

I am going to eat fair food for weeks on end.  Day One of bright, shiny lights is like "Oooohh, caramel apples!  Look - elephant ears!"  Day Twenty is "what can I eat and not spend the day in the restroom and deplete my bank account?".  I can only eat so many PB&J or ham sandwiches.  I have to eat at the fair.   Diet food is not sold at the fair.  I have learned to deal with that.

What is the weird thing I haven't learned to deal with - at least  in  a nice way and not in a stare-at-the-accident-as-you-drive-by way - is the people.  I have told EVERYONE I know that the fair is NOT like other events.  Anyone with $2.00 off a soda can can get into the fair, and - you might not know this - there are HILLBILLIES in every state.  It is true.  You might not see the hills, but the people are there. You don't see these people at the bank, or the grocery store, or at church with you on Sunday.  You only see them at the fair.  And I am simply not a nice enough person to look away - I NEED to gawk.  I can't help myself.  I know this is wrong.  I just can't seem to help it.

Now, I have managed to not start a website called "People of the Fair" in the likeness of the "People of Walmart" website, but only because I am more cheap than voyeuristic and don't want to pay for the website.  However, here is a small sampling of what I have seen in the past two months (locations to remain anonymous to protect the.....me):

•  A grown woman - who was NOT mentally handicapped - dressed as a ballerina because she liked them and just wanted to do something different to come to the fair (Succeed!)
• A very, very long "rat tail" (remember those, sadly I do too), beaded, down a man's back
• A discussion in my head that went "When is it time to just say no to the miniskirt?  I vote when your varicose veins are showing and you're in your 50's...."
• A man - who was NOT a Hari Krishna - with a shaved head EXCEPT for the 8"-10" quarter sized plug of hair in the middle of the back of his head, braided
• A vendor who played Cher music on a loop, all day, with only about 6 songs on that loop
• A game in my head that goes "When did you jump off the Fashion Train?"  With answers such as "1975" (shirt unbuttoned to navel with hairy hairy chest showing , "1965" (way to be a hippie stereotype), "1981" (popped collar and your 40?),  etc.  This is a game that can be played anywhere, but gets the most action at a fair...
• A lady (she had to be over 18) who chose to get two visible tattoos - and immortalized on her body forever was on shoulder #1 - the roaming gnome on a swing, and on shoulder #2 the Pabst Blue Ribbon label.  All I can think is "the iceman is over 10,000 years old and they can still see his tattoos.  This is what you are proudly displaying on your body?!?!"
• Bad face painting - we saw a child that had what was unfortunately supposed to be either a balloon or a snake painted on his face, but only looked like, well, a sperm.  It caught more than just my eye and may have scarred my 21 year old son for life (His grabbing my arm, and saying, "Is that....sperm...on the little boys face?!?!?"  will remain with me all my days...)
• Crash bandicoot scooters - hugely large people on scooters who ride them at 40 MPH crashing into booths and making you wonder why a license to drive isn't needed for them
• The hundreds of scantily dressed teenage girls, moms dressed to look like scantily dressed teenage girls,and the number of underwear seen from sagging pants on teenage boys 
•  A woman who started a conversation in the restroom line - and continued it with the door open while she used to facilities - so that she could continue the conversation making eye contact

So these are things I see on a regular basis that keeps that song from Deliverance going through my head for months on end.   Every year.  I want to be nice and not notice.  Or not gawk.  But no, I stare and blog (but I don't point; that calls attention to me).  I may never learn to be a nice person.  At least fair season is almost over.  Until next year...

Anesthesia Made My Day

Today I took Grant to the doctor for an upper GI.  He has been dealing and dealing with parasites since he came home from Brazil, so hopefully this is the last of procedures for a while.  Always a fun thing for a 21 year old to do.  He had an Academy Award Performance for me afterwards.  My quiet and shy-ish son was gone.  This young man kept repeating over and over "Man, that was the best sleep ever!  How long was I out?  That was the best sleep EVER.  Can I get a prescription for that?  Good Heavens, that's a nasty taste in my mouth.  Can I have Bojangles for lunch?  Man, that was the best sleep ever!  Can I get a prescription for that?  Hey, let's get Bojangles for lunch."

Of course he has no recall of this, swears I wasn't there, and can't believe how animated he was. Now I know why people film their kids after surgery.    And the good news - they actually found something WOOT!  Parasitic bacterial infection in his esophagus and stomach.  Which led to another amusing conversation.  Jade crossed the border today after a month in Canada.  She says things like "Dude, you don't even know how filled with pride I am right now to be in America" to which Grant replied, "Well, yes I do - just ask my gastroenterologist!"

Most parents of 18 and 21 year olds just hear about dates and college.  I get parasites and pride.

I don't know why I am starting this...

So all my friends (and by all, I mean a few that I actually listen to) keep telling me to start a blog.  So I am.  Tonight.  While I should have already packed a bag to go out of town tomorrow morning (today???), I was creating this blog.  Which currently has ZERO followers.  But I digress.  So, this will be my can't-believe-that-actually-happened and check-this-out blog for all the weird, random, funny, and other weirdness that I call my life. 

While I don't always blog, when I do it will be incredibly funny.  To be continued...